In relationship, Living life, Reflection, The Self

Expectations

Sydney was put into COVID19 lock down again, fortunately for 2 weeks only…for now.

When it was announced, relief swept through me and it felt like a holiday had been declared. And I wonder why. After all, I work mostly from home and a lock down have relatively little impact on me. Yes, I do have to continue working.

The relief was not great but it was great enough to be noticeable.

Does this mean I am becoming reclusive, or anxious, or anti-social, or…?

I realise it is the weight of expectation that has been removed – the “are you in the office today”, “will you be in the office today” questions that accompanied many requests to meet. The lock down takes the responsibility of accepting or refusing a social get-together away from me 🙂

I miss the certainty of meeting on a known online platform from the comfort of home, without the stress of a commute. I have no reason to be anywhere else but home. Yes, I’ll be in contact and in communication, yet the requirement to be physically present has been removed.

Perhaps the introverted and inherently shy me prefers communication through a mediated environment.

One can only be truly and wholly one’s own self in private; authenticity as an external manifestation is showing aspects of one’s true self, but rarely ever one’s whole true self. The notion of self-concept and relational self are quite different indeed.

I am aware of my own thoughts and feelings, but I don’t need to show them all. I can see things objectively without being defensive but it doesn’t mean I don’t protect myself. I can behave according o my own beliefs and values, but I can discern when and how to engage with another. I don’t have to be fake in my relationships but I don’t need to expose myself.

Every one puts on a face to meet another, and not necessarily with ill-intent. It is an evolutionary protective stance inherited from generations before us. Nature or nurture? Do we have an instinct for self-protection? Of what and why? Against what or whom?

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
– TS Eliot, “The Love Song of J  Alfred Prufrock”

So this lock down is a temporary retreat from the noise.

~ FlorenceT

 

© 2021 FlorenceT Copyright reserved. The author asserts her moral and legal rights over this work.

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Expectations”

  1. All the feelings of the true introvert with a bonus. If you get up a little late you can rush to the computer meeting wearing PJ’s and pretend its just a blouse.
    Hope you soon have the freedom from Covid to continue exactly as before.
    Huge Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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