I am neglecting her. And with this, attendant guilt. Not all the time, just enough to elevate the stress level.
I do not believe that I must attend to her all the time, consistently and regularly. But I’d started out with this intention. And the habit had been long ingrained until recently. A new interest became a new habit, and has taken my time from her. Opening me to a different world, and I take pleasure in exploring what is on offer.
She was familiar and our relationship felt “old”. When she first appeared, I had the curiosity and enthusiasm to explore, as I do now with this new interest. Ironically one requires the creative me, the other the restful me. Which to honor?
One requires me to actively do, and as part of the process, to be mindful of what is around me. It can be a spiritual exercise. When I am at my best with her, the sense of accomplishment is undeniable. The other demands my attention, away from pressing matters and in the process provides a peaceful haven from the busy world I inhabit. It can be restorative.
The feeling of right-ness dwells with her. Though I often wonder if it is merely a conditioning, which prevents me from abandoning her. I don’t abandon (or quit) easily. Though I have learnt a harsh lesson for this stubborn loyalty, it seems this is a lingering trait. What does it mean to no longer attend to her? What are the consequences of the inattention?
There is a child-like desire to ignore my responsibility for her, to indulge in this new interest without guilt. The well-intentioned beginning is fading, and unless I find renewed attraction, perhaps I should leave her where she is, for now.
I speak of balance often. Perhaps the answer is in striking a balance – in time, attention and commitment. I do not want to lose either, yet my time is limited. What does attention or dedication to each look like at this point?
Perhaps the talk of balance is a foil to making a decision.
And isn’t this like life, having to choose or decide between old and new, the familiar or the exciting, to weigh up pleasure and guilt, or duty and desire, short term or long term goals…?
Which to honor?
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