Jet lagged, and my body can’t sense its clock.
This is not about sleeping or waking, feeling hungry or otherwise.
This is the “clock” which senses the passing of day… it knows the sensations of morning, noon or night no matter if it is tired. It activates accordingly, and there is a certain flow to our corresponding actions.
This clock in our body is born from routines and habits – a familiarity that keeps us feeling secure and safe. We know what’s what.
An unbalancing of this creates disorientation to more than the functions of living, but also to a sense of rightness with one’s world. The body responds anxiously.
So it was that I was jolted from slumber (by what I don’t know) in an unfamiliar room, in a new city and almost instantly felt my heart racing followed by clammy skin and an increasing foggy mind. All signal a panic attack.
If I had had one, it would only be the second time in my life.
But I know better now on how to manage this.
So I did what I knew would likely help – make contact with someone. This establishes connection and normalcy. It is also a distraction when we proceeded with conversation.
Panic attack averted. But…
What’s disturbing about this episode isn’t that I needed help. It was being aware of the fear that came with the comfort. What if I lose it once he left? So shouldn’t I just hang on for as long as I could…?
Makes sense, except not practical. And it was not resilience nor independence on my part.
So I said goodbye. And the point is this.
Like life, it is the fear of how things could get worse which would have tied us to the familiar in order to avoid discomfort and fear.
Hanging on to a good thing isn’t wrong, it’s just that we need to be aware when it gets in the way of us being better.
Taking risks, being brave is scary. 🙂
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