Do you know what you don’t want? Well, I thought I did.
Expectations and norms rule many lives. The “shoulds” of the world seep into our veins and we just are, unquestioningly. We perform mother or father as many have before us and amongst us. We go to work to cement our identity of worth and responsibility. We chase “dreams” as we believed “normal” human beings ought to do.
We don’t hear the voice inside screaming “no!” For me, it was observing, rather than hearing, my less than stirling behaviour and most definitely unimpressive performance. Even as I was behaving and performing while noticing, I was having a little chuckle to myself. I knew then what it meant. My disengagement with the process and my disinterested attitude to others were not of the high standard I often hold myself to. They suggested “get me out of here”.
It was a sabotage, self-sabotage that is, and I did well.
It was the before rather than the after that interests me. In the lead-up, I avoided taking the first step until the deadline loomed large. For one who is always eager to begin and delve in, this is a sign I ought to have noticed. But I did not. The second step was undertaken with almost mechanical efficiency, when I tend to ponder and “agonise” over things which matter. When I didn’t, the ego said, “ah, you’ve got this covered, so confident”. Confidence or not caring? Second sign missed.
And that led to the performance 😀
A little way into the third act was when it hit me…“don’t want to be here”. Not now, not yet. It created all sorts of sensations in my body and a mental state which I can now only refer to as apathy.
So I sit with this awareness now. Sometimes things happen and they happen because deep down, we want it to despite our protestations or false beliefs. And how do we know?
Here is my deeper conviction.
My soul knows. I just need get out of its way. Be still. Be silent. Listen. Notice.
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