As everyone journeys each day through their lives, it does not surprise me that perhaps no one noticed my lack of writing (except for poetry) of late, except moi. But of course. Perhaps one day I will write about the reasons why but this article is not about the whys but the process itself – this process of not-writing.
I remember a conversation where I had expressed a feeling of guilt for not immersing in my work (my professional work of lawyer and educator), nor ‘taking care of all business’ at home and being with the family, instead choosing to dedicate time to the promotion of my therapy practice. My mentor, without skipping a beat, had asked “what is your therapy practice if not work?” and “is marketing not part of your therapy practice and thus work?” That was a moment of lightbulb switching on.
It has taken a while for me to own that I can write despite the desire to write. It has taken another long while for me to acknowledge the imperative to write and to treat writing as less of a hobby. Yet another long while before I was able to call myself a writer, thus making writing ‘work’.
So in the last few weeks of not-writing, I had contemplated pushing on with writing, quite confident that I can come up with something to post, for sure. But my heart is not in it. And this is the crux of the matter.
I can do a lawyer’s job even when my heart’s not in it. Analysing the case and applying the law of the land is mind matter. It need not require heart, though in my experience, a bit of heart makes a whole lot of difference to the job. 🙂 I can put my emotional state aside and be rather mechanical in the lawyering process. Between you and I, this has happened in some occasions in the past.
But the writing process… no, I have not found a state of writing without heart. A state of mechanistically stringing words and sentences together in order for them to mean something. If anyone has managed to do this, I would love to know your secret! For me, story-telling, particularly meaning making, is about putting myself into my writing. I, all of me, have to be present. My mind, my heart, my emotions… my spirit. And lately, they have been somewhat missing in some other actions :-).
I am present, but in another world which requires my attention. I am constantly looking over here to see this world beckoning, enticing, welcoming… My heart breaks a little each time I turn away, knowing that I cannot give it the attention or the ‘me’ that it deserves.
Perhaps guilt has compelled me here now, though unlikely. I do have something to say, prompted by the people who have liked and commented on my posts, and who have followed Meanings and Musings of late.
So for those of you who are new here on this blog, and to old friends who have dropped in, I hope you are here because you have found something here that touches something in you. I promise to visit you as soon as I can.
And in the meantime, to everyone, do explore my blog and I would love to get your comments/feedback of what attracted you here, or which post or which ‘topic’ resonates with you.
I am around here though not entirely mindful. Ouch!
© 2015 FlorenceT Copyright reserved. The author asserts her moral and legal rights over this work.