The process of surrender, or not…

I have been feeling a little unbalanced (as in off-centre, not crazy 🙂 ) the last few days. The feeling that all is right and fine… but not.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Then an email turned up which led to a youtube audio clip… and voila!

I have been hung up about a thing I did at work, with which despite positive feedback, it would seem I was not pleased. I presented a paper at a small conference and the session went extremely well with lots of engagement and Q&A.  Which of course led to time running out while I was only two-thirds of the way through. I was disappointed, but more than that, it bugged me, big time. Of course, being who I am, I have been ‘processing’ this ‘bugged’ feeling and as I said, no divine revelation until now.

By now, I know it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t get to finish the paper – the full presentation is being published so no big issue.  It wasn’t that l came out looking ‘bad’ – I had lots of positive feedback and engagement. Neither was it my perfectionistic streak (only a small one 🙂 ) of getting things 100% throwing a tantrum.

What it was is encapsulated in this statement ‘I didn’t get to the punchline’. And the punchline is important to me, personally. It is a message I am compelled to share, my purpose if you like. And for one who is generally quite direct in her communication, I ran out of time? What happened?

There is no accident in life. Only lessons. And this lesson is mine for the week.

I took my eyes off the purpose, my purpose, of the presentation – to share a message of connection. Instead I became attached to outcome and judgment.  I was drawn to an intellectual and mechanical exercise of preparing a paper, rather than communicating and sharing a worthy message. It, the paper, became a slave to my ‘more is not enough’ judgment. Academically fine and longer that it ought to be given the time I had. I was prejudging the possible response of the audience and ignored the voice whispering ‘Just be your self. It is enough‘.

I have been on a journey of living a surrendered life. “It is what is it” is a mantra, a meditation to my being. It does not negate doing the best I can, just that I am not hung up about the outcome.  It is living to a (dare I say it…) divine purpose.  I guess I didn’t spend years on a journey of self-awareness without having at least an inkling of what mine is :-). Yet it would seem on this occasion, surrendered I was not.

So here I am – regaining balance, being centered and not beating myself up about it.

Once again, surrendering to the moment of knowing – there is no mistake in life if we learn from it.

Honouring your purpose,
– FlorenceT

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