The process of surrender, or not…

I have been feeling a little unbalanced (as in off-centre, not crazy 🙂 ) the last few days. The feeling that all is right and fine… but not.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Then an email turned up which led to a youtube audio clip… and voila!

I have been hung up about a thing I did at work, with which despite positive feedback, it would seem I was not pleased. I presented a paper at a small conference and the session went extremely well with lots of engagement and Q&A.  Which of course led to time running out while I was only two-thirds of the way through. I was disappointed, but more than that, it bugged me, big time. Of course, being who I am, I have been ‘processing’ this ‘bugged’ feeling and as I said, no divine revelation until now.

By now, I know it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t get to finish the paper – the full presentation is being published so no big issue.  It wasn’t that l came out looking ‘bad’ – I had lots of positive feedback and engagement. Neither was it my perfectionistic streak (only a small one 🙂 ) of getting things 100% throwing a tantrum.

What it was is encapsulated in this statement ‘I didn’t get to the punchline’. And the punchline is important to me, personally. It is a message I am compelled to share, my purpose if you like. And for one who is generally quite direct in her communication, I ran out of time? What happened?

There is no accident in life. Only lessons. And this lesson is mine for the week.

BallerinaI took my eyes off the purpose, my purpose, of the presentation – to share a message of connection. Instead I became attached to outcome and judgment.  I was drawn to an intellectual and mechanical exercise of preparing a paper, rather than communicating and sharing a worthy message. It, the paper, became a slave to my ‘more is not enough’ judgment. Academically fine and longer that it ought to be given the time I had. I was prejudging the possible response of the audience and ignored the voice whispering ‘Just be your self. It is enough‘.

I have been on a journey of living a surrendered life. “It is what is it” is a mantra, a meditation to my being. It does not negate doing the best I can, just that I am not hung up about the outcome.  It is living to a (dare I say it…) divine purpose.  I guess I didn’t spend years on a journey of self-awareness without having at least an inkling of what mine is :-). Yet it would seem on this occasion, surrendered I was not.

So here I am – regaining balance, being centered and not beating myself up about it.

Once again, surrendering to the moment of knowing – there is no mistake in life if we learn from it.

Honouring your purpose,
– FlorenceT

© 2015 Copyright reserved. The author asserts her moral and legal rights over this work.

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