Tried to keep you close to me,
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should have been
Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide…
These are lyrics to James Bay’s song ‘Hold back the river’. They spoke to me today.
Two weeks into the new year and my intentions seem wishful thinking. The intentions in my mind – to dedicate more time to my writing, to cultivate a habit of creation, to overcome my doubts, have not translated to action. Why ever not? Can I just say, ‘but it’s only mid-January’? When does the new year cease to be ‘new’? When does it become official that I have procrastinated.
Yes I do believe I am procrastinating. Sometime between declaring my intentions to myself just before the new year and now, I agreed to take on a heavier load for work. Then, out of sheer curiosity, I submitted a synopsis to present at a conference and, believe or not, it got accepted. So there I was, wondering what had hit me. With the intentions in mind, one would think saying ‘no’ to other commitments would be a given…but alas, not. And behind this created busy-ness is, I suspect, a fear.
This revelation sat with me for days, an unease about my ‘mindless’ decisions leading to more time away from the writing I intended to undertake. Yet, as I began crafting the presentation, I felt a certain excitement for this topic. The topic is something ‘new’ to me but to be presented in an old familiar environment. As the excitement increased, its companion guilt reared its ugly head, guilt for not staying true to my intentions.
It was not until today, as I sat on the train too tired to read or write, staring out the window in solitude that it hit me. Let it be! This is as it should be. This is the lesson.
Things happen as they do. So let it be! There is no need to look to the past with regret, with self-admonishment, with guilt. Firstly, because I do enjoy my other commitments. Secondly, I have let my self-judgment cloud the lesson to be learnt. Thirdly, I am relieved in the knowledge my self-awareness and power of reflection are well and alive.
Whichever decision or path we take, there are lessons to be learnt. So let it be! There is no right or wrong, good or bad. Let the moment reveal itself.
And the moment has revealed itself – exquisite self-awareness leading to fewer blind spots. If that is all that I have learnt in this journey, I am grateful. I can now acknowledge my fear and embrace it. It is evinced once again of my need for solitude. It is in this sanctuary that I touch my truth. I will honor them.
I can now freely revel in the circumstance I find myself. I will reach out and touch the beauty in these experiences. Looking into your eyes…you no longer hide…
Let 2015 begin!
How has the year begin for you? How will you be to claim it and make it yours?
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